She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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