If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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