when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
