i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
