life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
