If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
