I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it was like eating out sand paper
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
