I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
