god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
