I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
