I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
