You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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