i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
