..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
