I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize