I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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