grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
