And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
