I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
