Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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