Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize