soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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