Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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