If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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