am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
