Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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