just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
