The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
