it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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