I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
