If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
being pregnant is like rehab
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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