I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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