i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
