I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize