Only a mothe r could love this liver
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
