Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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