YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
