I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize