I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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