Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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