brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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