it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
