I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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