I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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