When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
