had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize