I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
