Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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