I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
