i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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