my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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