Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
