apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I would ride that face into the sunset
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
