i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
