I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
