i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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