I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
