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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
