Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
How does one acquire holy water?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
