i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and she was petting her beer can
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
