just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
