Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
