I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
