so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize