I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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