I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize