Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize