I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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