Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
