You're a womanizer and a bitch.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
