i don't like sucking hair
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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