If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
