Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize