Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
