just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
