I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
